Editor’s Note: We sent our intern out with a simple assignment: find a nice old man and ask him what he thinks of current events. Something heartwarming, we said. Maybe a quote about civic engagement or the resilience of the human spirit. He came back eyes wide and a bit unsettled and handed us his notes. We weren’t sure whether to redact it or frame it, so we did the only responsible thing: we published it. Take it away, Mr. Hamilton…
The Problem with Kids These Days
By Stephen Hamilton, Observer at Large
TPwKTD 1: “The problem with kids these days is that they have no sense of history. Do they know what it feels like to be evaporated into a swiftly dispersing puff of smoke as the blast of a 100-kiloton nuclear detonation reaches them from ground zero a couple of miles away? I think not!”
TPwKTD 2: “The problem with kids these days is that they have no sense of shame. Shame is an extremely misunderstood and underrated emotion. It’s almost as if your elders spared the rod—and the emotional abuse—just a tad too much. That and you didn’t drink from a garden hose.”
TPwKTD 3: “The problem with kids these days is that apparently there are not enough of them, and within that dwindling group only a small portion possess perfect pitch. How is the Tabernacle Choir supposed to keep its ranks filled? With a bunch of corpses or that AI crap?”
TPwKTD 4: “The problem with kids these days is that they’re just too darn cute to abandon in the underground desert bunker you had originally set up for SHTF season. But maybe, with their keener eyesight, they can serve as good spotters while trying to keep the zombies at bay on a moonlit night. One of those nights where it just doesn’t stop. Ever!”
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