By Randy Price, Pasadena’s Premier Celestial Consultant
Greetings, fellow star-seekers and emotionally volatile moon children. May’s here, and she’s as unstable as a folding lawn chair on a gravel driveway. The planets are doing that thing again you know, spinning, judging us, watching like neighbors who never wave but always know when your trash bins are out late.
Here’s what’s written in the cosmic TV Guide for this month:
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ve got Mars in your house and an eviction notice in your mailbox. Bold moves ahead , mostly because you ran out of patience and coffee. Try not to yell at a child or a dog this month. It’s not their fault Harbor Freight raised prices 38% after the tariff announcement.
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Venus is rubbing your back while simultaneously draining your checking account. You’ll say “it’s just a little treat” fourteen times this month. It is never just a little treat, Taurus. Stop ordering bass guitars and specialty massage oils from influencers who live in yurts.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your dual nature is showing. Again. You will spend the first half of the month convincing someone you’re fine, and the second half blocking their number because they believed you. Mercury’s in your third house but refuses to make eye contact.
♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This month you’re just one deep sigh away from quitting your job, your lease, and possibly your own family group chat. Jupiter says hold steady, or at least wait until your tax return clears before reinventing yourself as a candle-based entrepreneur.
♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The stars want you to know: not everything is about you. But also… a surprising number of things are. You’ll get weirdly praised for something you did two years ago and punished for something you haven’t done yet. Saturn says be humble. You won’t. Your fate is sealed, accept it.
♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve been color-coding your anxieties again, Virgo. This month, your attempt at perfection will end in either a surprise road trip or a highly emotional breakdown triggered by someone misusing your label maker. Let it go. Except the receipts. Keep those.
♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your scales are tipping like a fourth-tier cruise ship buffet. Love, money, and middle seats are all out of alignment. Pluto recommends making one bold choice. You will likely make two bad ones instead. It’s okay, you got this. Chaos looks good on you.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Well, well, looky here at Diamond Jim. Your aura is a sticky brown and your intentions are opaque. People think you’re plotting something. You are. But it’s mostly just a very elaborate way to avoid answering emails. You’ll ghost someone this month. Choose wisely.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You feel pulled in three directions, mostly by your own ideas. Good news: One of them is decent. Bad news: It’s the one you’ll ignore. A surprise text from an ex, an invitation to a retreat, and a possibly a great garage sale or thrift store find are all likely.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
May will test your ability to care while pretending you don’t. You’re tired, efficient, and one spreadsheet away from snapping. Neptune says: take a walk. You say: “Only if I can monetize it.” Find stillness. Or sell it as a service.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Damn girl, you’re vibrating at a frequency only dogs and deeply paranoid conspiracy theorists can hear. This month you’ll either start a podcast or join a rogue movement to protect endangered mushrooms. Uranus encourages it. No one else does.
♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll cry in a good way on May 11th. You’ll cry in a confusing way on May 17th. Don’t read too much into it. The ocean is in you. Unfortunately, so is a fondness for people who text “k.”
That’s the celestial outlook, folks. I’m Randy Price, and I’ll be back next month unless I get abducted by a cult or something. Remember: The stars don’t control you. They just sort of whisper judgment while you spiral.
Now go forth. And maybe check your tire pressure.
Be First to Comment