“Basically, I press keys until money appears somewhere.”
By Connie Jettison
Underground Mirror – Career Readiness & Keystroke Worship Bureau
LA PORTE, TX — Students at LPISD High School were left wide-eyed and buzzing with ambition Thursday after local corporate employee Marla Bexley gave a Career Day presentation on her role as a “workflow analyst”—a job she described as “pressing keyboard buttons until something good happens to someone, somewhere.”
“I log in. I see a screen. Sometimes the screen wants me to press keys. Sometimes I wait. Either way—I get paid every other Friday, and the breakroom has a snack drawer,” she said, to thunderous applause.
“It Was Like She Was Describing Heaven”
Bexley works for SynerStructiva (a subsidiary of VantaCore Holdings LLC) in an open-plan office in Pasadena where, by her own account, she mostly “reacts to shapes, pings, and unread notifications” while sipping lukewarm coffee and maintaining what she calls ‘the illusion of deliverable flow.’
“There’s a screen. It has boxes,” she explained. “If a box turns red, I do something. If it’s green, I wait. If it blinks, I forward it to someone in Minneapolis named Trudy.”
Students described the experience as transformational.
“It’s like being a wizard,” said junior Daniele Gonzales, still clutching a SynerStructiva pen she stole off the table. “She casts spells with keystrokes and the company rewards her with health insurance and ergonomic footrests.”
“My dream used to be to be an astronaut,” said freshman Marcus Reed, “but now I want to sit in a beige cube and mute myself in Zoom calls. That’s real impact.”
An Office Job So Simple, It’s Divine
Bexley captivated the students with tales of hallway gossip, spreadsheet duplications, and the daily miracle of the Outlook calendar invitation.
She showed them:
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A screenshot of a Gantt chart (“I have no idea what this is, but I touch it sometimes”)
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Her cubicle plant, which she waters with Monster Energy Zero
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A Slack message thread that included “LOL” followed by six weeks of silence and a GIF of a raccoon
“It’s a beautiful, quiet life,” she said. “Sometimes I make a pie chart. Then I get a little treat from the vending machine. That’s value creation.”
Administrators Pleased, Hopeful for Corporate Sponsorships
Career Day organizer and AP English teacher Mr. Mankins called Bexley’s talk “an inspiring testament to skilled labor and just the sort of career we are preparing students for.”
“Not every student wants to work with their hands or know what they’re doing,” he said. “Some want to sit beneath fluorescent lighting and wonder what SynerStructiva even does.”
LPISD officials are reportedly in talks to create a new magnet program focused on Soft Skills, Low Impact Productivity, and Passive Revenue Awareness.
Students Demand More Marlas
By the end of her presentation, Bexley had received 14 follow-up emails from students asking how to “get into the button pushing industry.”
“You just have to learn the lingo,” she told them. “Say things like ‘action items,’ ‘looping in,’ and ‘I’ll circle back.’ You’ll be promoted before you realize your chair is slowly killing you.”
She concluded her talk by turning off the projector, sipping the remainder of her office-branded water bottle, and saying:
“The real career goal isn’t happiness—it’s the ability to manage boredom and fatigue and make it through an 8 hour day.”
She was given a standing ovation and a commemorative Whataburger gift card.
Is thing on?
Locked & loaded!