MEMO: PROJECT CAROUSEL – ALL STAFF
FROM: Youth Ops Staffer Team / Fed.Gov Reboot Team / Slack Channel #generation-cleanse
TO: Everyone Under 35 (read-only)
RE: THE BENCH IS CLEARED
SITUATION:
As all you staffers know, the situation is terminal and we can’t put up with it anymore. The ‘elders’ have been vibing too long in the cockpit of the apocalypse. Every warning from every dystopian book has been misread as their Pinterest board of political platforms. They looted Orwell, chugged Huxley, dry-humped Ayn Rand, and thought The Handmaid’s Tale was a nifty idea.
And what did we get?
Melted ice caps and rising seas
Broken economies, global conflict
Techno bro authoritarian rule
A 3rd presidential term for a guy who confuses AI with the McDonald’s app.
We asked for equity, they gave us college debt.
We asked for healthcare, they gave us ‘Hustle Culture’.
We asked to not die in climate collapse and they gave us Trump and Melania Coin.
Meanwhile, Congressional sessions look like happy hour at a retirement home:
– Joe Biden (82) couldn’t remember what decade he was in
– Donald Trump (78) constantly confusing TV with reality
– Nancy Pelosi (85) thinks Instagram is a brand of oat milk
– Mitch McConnell (83) has frozen in more meetings than Windows 95
– Chuck Grassley (91) predates computers!
– Warren Buffett (94) seriously, I can’t even…
– Rupert Murdoch (94) has programmed more Boomers than ChatGPT ever could
– Jamie Dimon (69) just found out what a meme stock is and he’s mad about it
These dudes ran a whole country off a cliff and handed us the bill. They’re playing 19th-century Monopoly on a 21st-century burning trash barge.
Enough.
Time for a reset.
ACTION ITEM: YOUTH SUPREMACY PROTOCOL
aka: “If you remember the Cosby Show, you’re out.”
Effective immediately:
* Everyone over 35 is retired (don’t worry, we Venmo’d you some Dogecoin and a free Audible subscription for the fadeout before Carousel).
* Government positions now have an age ceiling.
* President? Max age: 35
* Senator? LOL, how about 25
* School Board? You are sus if over 30.
* Federal Reserve Chair? Cabinet positions, judges? We aren’t kidding, no one 35 or above.
PHILOSOPHY:
We are not “the future.” We are ‘now’.
We are the patch to the corrupted system file.
They had their run, we have “Late Stage Boomer.exe” and your world is crashing.
They kept trying to run society on Legacy Mode.
Guess what? We just hit: REBOOT. FACTORY RESET.
We are building from the ground up in dark mode, with a minimalist UI and zero tolerance for geriatric grifters.
It’s time for Logan’s Run style Carousel.
MESSAGING:
– “No cap: Your time’s up.”
– “Age isn’t just a number. It’s an exit code.”
– “Boomer, you died in Oregon Trail, and now you die in committee.”
PROGRAMMATIC UPDATES:
Civic Education is now taught through Roblox roleplay.
* Tax code is rewritten in Minecraft Redstone.
* All Senate votes must be performed via TikTok duets.
* The Fed now just posts on BeReal.
FINAL NOTES:
All over 30’s will be fitted with their ‘countdown to 40’ jewels.
When it glows red, prepare for Carousel Ceremony.
We’re not sending them off with dignity.
They had their moment. They wasted it.
They broke the planet, raised the rent, and made it weird to wear skinny jeans.
This isn’t personal. It’s version control.
And we’re running the update now.
TL;DR?
The future is young.
The future is now.
The olds have logged off.
Gen Z, Alpha and Beta have entered the chat.
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