By Dean “Weather Dave” McCombs

Underground Mirror – Disaster, Nature, and Bizarre Zoology Desk

MORGAN’S POINT, TX — Residents across the Galveston Bay area awoke Tuesday morning to chaos, screaming, and the unmistakable scent of shellfish as a mutant blue crab the size of the Astrodome emerged from the bay and began a devastating march toward the Ship Channel.

The crustacean, nicknamed “The Clawpocalypse” by horrified locals and referred to as “Specimen 88-C” by the EPA (who later disavowed all knowledge of the event), had apparently grown to epic proportions after decades of exposure to the toxic soup chemical release pouring from the region’s industrial underbelly.

“It smelled like diesel and gumbo,” said dock worker Pete Salazar, who watched the beast tear a tugboat in half. “But like… ya know, Cajun swamp gumbo made by Tony the Tiger.”

Initial Attack: Flares, Fires, and Flying Container Ships

The rampage began shortly after 9:45 a.m., when the crab—estimated at 310 feet across, with glowing blue eye stalks and claws “big enough to crush the Whataburger on Spencer & 146”—destroyed three flare stacks, capsized a sulfur slurry barge, and punted a shrimp trawler into the airspace above Pasadena.

La Porte authorities issued a Code Crustacean Alert, urging citizens to shelter in place, avoid loud noises, and “for the love of God, don’t smell like fish.”

Enter: The King of the Monsters

At 10:23 a.m., seismic activity registered off Sylvan Beach. Witnesses say a dark silhouette emerged from the misty marsh horizon near Lower Trinity Bay, cloaked in fog and screeching like a jet engine with a sinus infection.

“I knew it was Godzilla,” said Connie Jo DeWitt, watching from her roof with binoculars and half a Lone Star. “Just look at them back fins.”

Godzilla, responding to what experts later described as “either an ancient call to balance or a Shell refinery klaxon,” engaged the crab in the shallow waters off Seabrook.

The Battle: Blow-by-Blow

Round One: The crab landed a claw swipe to the Fred Hartman Bridge, sending concrete fragments and a Chevy Tahoe into the bay. Godzilla countered with a tail whip, flattening the former Hooters Marina Bar & Grill (now the Church of the Open Flame). Casualties: minimal—Hooters had closed in 2009.

Round Two: The crab unleashed a jet of bright green, high-pressure toxin mist from its mouthparts, corroding refinery structures but improving the air’s aroma near Baytown. Godzilla fired a nuclear blast, but the crab’s shell deflected it—incinerating the Sylvan Beach Pavilion instead.

Final Round: Momentarily staggered by a claw to the throat, Godzilla rebounded and unleashed an intense flame breath to the crab’s undercarriage, softening its armor. With a roar and a double-fisted smash, the King of Monsters ripped off a claw and hurled it into the Armand Bayou Nature Preserve.

Aftermath: Shells, Steam, and Lawsuits

The crab’s remains washed ashore near Morgan’s Point, where residents quickly began planning The Boil of the Century fundraiser. Harris County health officials strongly advise against this.

Godzilla returned to the sea after issuing what zoologists described as “a roar and grunt of vague disappointment.”

What We Know So Far:

• The crab was born from a combination of runoff, old tires, and off-gassing from at least four unnamed plants.

• Godzilla is now the official protector of Galveston Bay.

• The Ship Channel will remain closed until the Port Authority can remove the second claw from Redfish Island.