By Charlene Dewhickey
Underground Mirror – Weathered Homes & Weathered Souls Desk
SHOREACRES, TX — After 16 long years of Gulf Coast heat, wind, mold, raccoons, and at least three hurricanes since the one that caused the original damage, local legend Dwayne “Fishbone” Mallory has been declared the official winner of the first (and likely only) FEMA Tarp Roof Longevity Invitational.
“It ain’t just a tarp,” Fishbone said, standing shirtless in the yard of his collapsing double-wide. “It’s heritage.”
Born in Disaster, Forged in Neglect
The blue tarp in question was first nailed down in September 2008, days after Hurricane Ike tore through Galveston Bay, damaging hundreds of homes and scattering lawn chairs into orbit. FEMA distributed emergency tarps to affected residents, instructing them to use them “temporarily until repairs could be made.”
Fishbone never made those repairs.
Instead, he cashed his $6,400 insurance check, bought a 1994 Jet Ski with a cracked hull, four cartons of Marlboro Reds, and a used generator he still hasn’t started.
“I meant to fix the roof,” he said. “But then it became a thing. Like a mission. Like the tarp was testin’ me.”
The Rules of the Game
What began as lazy neglect soon became a full-fledged community competition, with a leaderboard kept in chalk at Blondie’s Dive & Draft Hall.
Rules were simple:
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Original tarp must remain in place.
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No replacements, patches or doubling up.
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And definitely no duct tape.
“It’s like blood doping in cycling,” said contest commissioner Jimmy-Wayne Earl Ford, whose own tarp failed in 2016 when a possum chewed through it and fell through his bathroom skylight.
The Great DQ: Bubba Goes Down
Mike “Bubba” Spencer, long considered the frontrunner because of the large pecan tree that shaded his roof, was disqualified last week when it was revealed he had used duct tape to secure a corner that was “violently flappin’ during the recent storm front that came through.”
“I told ‘em it was just decorative,” Bubba insisted. “C’mon, the tape was camo. Not even the good stuff.”
Judges disagreed, and Bubba’s tarp was stripped of its grommets and burned in a ceremonial barrel behind the old VFW hall.
The Winning Roof: A Portrait of Rot
Fishbone’s victorious tarp, dubbed “Old Bluey,” is barely recognizable.
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Corners held down by bricks, an alternator, and two bowling balls.
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Middle sagging into a koi pond formed by rainwater.
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Grommets rusted into abstract art.
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Once-proud blue faded to the color of a Smurf’s final breath.
“That thing’s got more UV damage than my cousin Skeeter’s bald spot,” said local judge Rhonda Beasley, wiping away a tear.
A Legacy Sealed in Mildew
Fishbone received a plaque made from reclaimed bathroom tile, a $50 bar tab at Blondie’s, and a coupon for half off a tetanus shot at the urgent care on Spencer Highway.
“It wasn’t about winnin’,” he said. “It was about seein’ how long the government’s mercy would hold up under Gulf sun and raccoon traffic. Turns out, it’s just over 16 years.”
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