SCRIPT: REEL AMERICA WITH REAL PATRIOTS
Title Card: Episode 1: “ASMR Deportations: The Quiet Storm”
Presented by DOGE Studios, streaming exclusively on WhiteHouse.gov, Truth Social, X, and selected Buc-ee’s gas pump screens.
[INTRO MUSIC: Blended synthwave version of “God Bless the USA” with eagle screeching and bass drop]
[Opening graphics: American flag glitching into blue ICE helmets. Title screen blares: “REEL AMERICA WITH REAL PATRIOTS!”]
[CUT TO: Studio set looking like a drone command center and a strip clib had a baby. Three panelists in front of a wall of flat screens.]
DON JR. (wearing a Doge Tactical hoodie):
“Welcome back, freedom lovers and keyboard warriors! I’m Don Jr., still banned from Etsy for selling MAGA-themed thongs, and joining me are the Tesla tech-bro overlord himself, Elon Musk, and America’s favorite Appalachian phoenix, J.D. Vance.”
ELON (sipping Soylent, wearing mirrored shades indoors):
“Thanks, Don. Excited to review this deeply aesthetic piece of American kinetic cinema. The whisper-toned ICE commands? Very cyberpunk, very efficient.”
J.D. (adjusting his Constitution pocket square):
“This is great, I love these ASMR Deportation videos, I watched a couple last night and wept happy tears softly into my NRA mug.”
DON JR.:
“Let’s talk about this one. First off, what a concept. A body cam video of a 3 a.m. ICE raid narrated in breathy whispers? That’s next-level propaganda art.”
ELON:
“And the tech is solid. Drone angles were buttery smooth. Neuralink auto-synced the ICE agents’ cortisol spikes with the sub-bass line. Viewers feel the national security in their teeth.”
J.D.:
“Can I just say how amused I was to hear the phrase ‘courtesy wake-up’ before the door got kicked in? That’s next level. There’s a man who enjoys his job.”
DON JR. (eyes glazed, voice reverent):
“You know, folks… there’s something deeply intimate about it. The way the ICE agent whispers, ‘Let’s go, papi… no time for shoes or goodbyes, just come with me quietly now’ — I felt that. Right in my sternum. That’s freedom… and he’s got a voice like a diesel truck.”
ELON (smiling faintly, eyes scanning viewer metrics in real time):
“The tonal quality of the zip-tie tightening… chef’s kiss. I had our AI engineers isolate that clip for use in Neuralink’s new sensory deprivation fantasy module. We’re calling it ‘Freedom Frequencies™’.”
J.D. (holding a notebook titled “Sounds of Liberty”):
“I counted twelve distinct clinks from the leg chains on the mother outside the Head Start center. Each one clearer than church bells in a coal town. You could almost taste the authority.”
[CLIP PLAYS: ICE officer softly saying “It’s time to go now, Maria… the Constitution is sleeping.” Cut to slow-mo footage of flashlights through a cracked door. Children sleeping in their beds. Officers tiptoeing into the room and tossing a flash grenade.]
DON JR.:
“Now that’s real cinema. Take notes, Scorsese. None of that three-hour jazz funeral crap. This is tight. American. Smells like plywood and vape clouds.”
ELON:
“Yeah. And the user data heat map shows 78% of viewers climaxed emotionally at minute 12, the part where the toddler’s plush unicorn gets handed to the handler drone.”
J.D.:
“That drone was American-made, by the way. That’s one of my new prototypes.”
[CLIP PLAYS: a gloved ICE agent gently closing a laptop before cuffing a professor mid-lecture. The agent whispers: “Ssshh. Your new classroom will be in El Salvador.” Reverb trails the sinister statement. A sob echoes in the distance.]
DON JR.:
“And did y’all hear the velcro? When the agent adjusted the tactical vest? Soft, deliberate, righteous. That’s the sound of order in a society.”
ELON (tilting head, analyzing waveform graphics):
“Even better was the ambient tension of the fluorescent kitchen light buzzing while the agent softly explained, ‘There’s been a change to your paperwork, ma’am’. There’s a poetry in bureaucracy when it’s performed with precision.”
J.D.:
“I got chills. Literal chills. And I haven’t felt anything in years, emotionally or physically. That moment… it made me feel like a man again.”
[SEGMENT: “PATRIOTIC EAR CANDY” – THE SOUNDBOARD]
DON JR.:
“We’ve uploaded our top ASMR triggers from this week’s raids into the ‘Real Patriots FreedomBoard’. Let’s do a live taste test.”
[Clip 3: Soft knock, then pause, then second knock louder.]
ELON:
“Classic. Knock escalation. Great for maximum psychological conditioning. Vintage DHS technique.”
[Clip 4: Camera pans in for close up of a tear sliding down the cheek of a woman and the quietly hitting linoleum.]
J.D.:
“Whoa. That one hit me right between the Liberty Bells.”
[Clip 5: The muffled cry of a child saying “Is mamá in trouble?”]
DON JR. (closing eyes, smiling):
“This one’s a favorite in our donor circles. Senator Josh Hawley said he uses it to fall asleep.”
[CUT TO: Viewer Submission Section – “YOUR FREEDOM REACTIONS”]
ELON:
“We received over 10,000 viewer reaction videos. Shout-out to User223FreedomBalls who literally saluted and wept when the ICE agent told a librarian, ‘This book return is now closed.’”
DON JR. (leaning in, hushed voice):
“Let’s not kid ourselves, folks. It’s not just a video. It’s an experience. The breathing of the hooded deportee under the canvas head cover, the clanking of handcuffs and chains, the jangling keys, the echo of boots on tile… this is America’s White Lotus. Except it’s real. And moral.”
J.D.:
“And to the libs crying foul? I say this: You’re just jealous none of your ‘protest’ are getting traction. Until then, pass the popcorn, brother. Freedom sounds like a whisper wrapped in kevlar.”
[FINAL RATINGS]
Don Jr.: “Five out of five Liberty Lip Smacks.”
Elon: “Engagement metrics indicate a dopamine spike at the phrase: ‘You have the right to remain blessed.’”
J.D.: “I sobbed when the ICE agent handed the man his wife’s wedding ring before disappearing her. Just sublime.”
“PATRIOT PANEL PITCHES” SEGMENT:
DON JR.:
“Okay boys, spitball time: What spin-offs or sequels are we greenlighting?”
ELON:
“We need more interactive VR raids, working title: Operation Comfort Fence. AI will customize deportation orders based on the ethnicity of the targets and average viewer fear triggers. Viewers can livestream raids and comment. Beta testing this now in gated communities in the MidWest.”
J.D.:
“I want a faith-based reboot. Think Hallmark but with deportations. Call it Angels With Flashlights. ICE agents pray with the undocumented before escorting them into detention ‘sanctuaries’.”
DON JR.:
“Yeh, sounds like your sort of thing. Let’s also do a crossover with ‘Fixer Upper’. ICE raids the house, then Chip and Joanna flip it for a three-bedroom MAGA family to move into!”
FINAL RATINGS:
DON JR.:
“I’m giving this round up of videos FOUR TACTICAL VESTS UP. A masterpiece of whispery, goosebump fascism.”
ELON:
“Doubleplusgood. I added it to the Twitter, I mean X, algorithm’s autoplay. If you scroll long enough, it just starts playing over and over.”
J.D.:
“I was baptized in freedom watching these. Five exploding eagle emojis out of five.”
[CLOSING MUSIC: Dubstep remix of “This Land Is Your Land” over the sounds of night-vision goggles clicking.]
DON JR. (winking at camera, holding a mug labeled “Tears of the Woke”):
“Join us next week as we review Ice Road Parolee: Elon’s All-Male Thunderdome and The Supreme Court’s TikTok Roundup Live! Until then… stay free, stay furious, and keep America, American.”
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