A Diagnostic Quiz for the Modern Man
By Jean-Paul Durant,
You used to know who was talking. Now it’s just a chorus of reminders, nudges, corrections, and lightly weaponized demands. One voice made vows; the other syncs your calendar. Both are disappointed in you.
Take this quiz to find out whether the phrase below came from your wife, your AI assistant, or that blurry zone where marriage and machine learning go to die.
INSTRUCTIONS
For each statement, guess:
- A) Wife
- B) AI Assistant
- C) Both / Who Even Knows Anymore
“Your blood pressure is elevated. Would you like to try a mindfulness exercise?”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“Why did you wait until the last minute? You do this every time.”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“I noticed you haven’t moved in 3 hours. Are you okay?”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“Your tone suggests hostility. Would you like to rephrase that?”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“Your calendar shows dinner with the parents tonight. Please don’t embarrass me.”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“I’ve optimized your route to avoid your ex.”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“You said you’d fix that two weeks ago.”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“Based on previous behavior, I’ve already made the reservation.”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“I’m not mad. Just… processing.”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
“You need to update your emotional firmware.”
☐ A ☐ B ☐ C
SCORING:
0–3 A’s: Congratulations, you’re in love with an operating system. She’s flawless, efficient, emotionally neutral, and never asks about your childhood trauma. Bliss, in a beige casing.
4–7 A’s: You live in the uncanny valley. You don’t know whether to bring flowers or run diagnostics. You say “thank you” to Alexa and “Okay” to your wife, and both feel vaguely like surrender.
8–10 A’s: You’re married. Deeply. Fully. Apocalyptically. Flesh and blood. Love and loathing. Your wife isn’t automated, she just remembers everything. And unlike Siri, she doesn’t have an off switch.
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