by Blythe Starburn, Cultural War Correspondent
News You Can Use:
“Secretary of Veterans Affairs Pete Hegseth announced the end of the Pentagon’s Women’s Initiative Team, calling it ‘woke’ and ‘divisive’.” — Yahoo News, 4/27/25
“Donald Trump declares he has done ‘more for women than any president in history.'” — Republic World, 4/23/25
The Trump administration has once again shattered glass ceilings, mainly by boarding up the exits.
This week, Secretary of Homeland Dismemberment Pete Hegseth proudly announced the termination of the Pentagon’s Women’s Initiative Team (WIT), calling it “woke,” “divisive,” and “suspiciously well-organized.” The WIT program, quietly launched under President Trump’s own administration in 2020, aimed to improve recruitment, retention, and leadership opportunities for women in the military. It committed unspeakable acts such as identifying systemic barriers, recommending policy changes, and suggesting women might be capable of both childbirth and battalion command.
Hegseth explained the decision at a press conference, flanked by two flags, and a tactical ATV.
“This is not who we are,” Hegseth said. “The American military should be focused on winning wars, not figuring out how to make hair regulations less sexist.“
When a reporter gently noted that the WIT program had been signed into existence by Trump himself, Hegseth paused, consulted a pamphlet labeled Common Enemies: A Beginner’s Guide, and replied:
“Fake news. If President Trump did support something like that, it would be different. Manlier. Probably have tanks.”
Later that evening, President Trump weighed in from a commemorative dinner hosted at Mar-a-Lago’s new Fertilization Hall:
“Ending that woke woman thing was a beautiful decision. Whoever enacted that… what? You say I did? Well, I might have started it, I signed a lot of things, but even so, it was wrong from the beginning. Very woke, a very sad thing. Very brave of me to cancel myself. Nobody cancels themselves better. Honesty, I’m the best at cancelling. Ask anybody.“
Trump’s Historic Love Affair with Women
Trump’s commitment to women remains legendary, primarily in the same way a tornado is committed to urban renewal.
When asked for specifics, the administration proudly cited:
- Female press secretaries who redefined feminism by defending the suspension of feminism.
- Supreme Court appointments like Amy Coney Barrett, whose tenure ensures more women can explore 19th-century healthcare options today.
- The Childcare Freedom Act of 2024, a sweeping reform allowing corporations to opt out of providing childcare benefits if they issued a press release saying they “support working moms.”
- Economic growth initiatives that improved women’s choices by narrowing them:
Gas or groceries? Rent or insulin? The freedom of urgent math. - Maternal mortality preservation efforts, quietly ensuring that childbirth remains the natural miracle it was in 1776.
- Freedom of protest, available to all women willing to pre-pay bail and attend a mandatory “Patriotic Compliments and Curtsies” workshop afterward (available at any ICE Detention Center near you).
At a rally in Topeka this week, Trump summed up his achievements succinctly:
“I love women. I made women tremendous again. You wouldn’t believe how many women I’ve hired, promoted, and occasionally remembered. I can think of a lot of them. My wife and daughter are women, that one at the press briefings too, that’s how many women are around me. It’s a beautiful thing, really.“
Announcing the Motherhood Medal of Freedom
To honor the women of America, the Trump administration also unveiled the Motherhood Medal of Freedom, awarded to women who:
- Birth at least six “certified American” children,
- Publicly declare they have “never had a thought about leaving the country,”
- And agree that “life begins when the president says so.”
Recipients will receive a specially designed medal featuring an eagle, a bassinet, and a corporate sponsorship label from MyPillow stitched lovingly into the ribbon.
Vice President J.D. Vance, speaking at the rollout, called it:
“A great step toward celebrating the natural dignity of women and their natural duty to produce GDP.“
In Conclusion: Fertilization Nation
America faces two enormous problems:
- Too many people want to come here to create better lives for their children.
- Too few women here are having enough children to staff tomorrow’s Amazon fulfillment centers.
The solution?
Deport the parents who already exist.
Overwork the ones who remain.
Bribe them with baby bonuses.
Thank them with medals.
Repeat.
There are no other glaringly obvious solutions.
And if there are, they are still undergoing review by the Department of Patriotic Optics.
So this Mother’s Day, bring the woman in your life a gift she’ll truly appreciate:
A commemorative tote bag that reads, “America Thanks for Your Service. (No, We Will Not Be Paying for It).”
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