By Dale Thornstitch | Underground Mirror, Gulf Coast Bureau
LA PORTE, TX — Residents in east Harris County reported seeing a “non-EPA-classified” black cloud emerging from the La Porte industrial corridor Thursday afternoon, accompanied by what one bystander described as a “low, unholy groaning sound—like a tortured foghorn.”
The cloud reportedly originated from a cluster of chemical processing plants near the Houston Ship Channel and has been slowly undulating toward the bay in a direction meteorologists are calling “non-standard.”
When approached for comment, representatives from the Harris County Office of Emergency Management refused access to the site, citing an “ongoing atmospheric inversion event.” Emergency crews were observed in hazmat suits encircling the area, while a government-marked van blared distorted whale noises over a loudspeaker.
“I asked if this was a shelter-in-place situation,” said local Dale Thornstitch. “They handed me a pamphlet about hydration and gave me a juice box.”
After multiple refusals, Underground Mirror was finally granted a brief interview with Deputy Regional Liaison for Multi-Spectral Phenomena, Gerald Haskett, outside a Jack in the Box on Spencer Highway.
“The public can rest assured that the situation is under review and poses no direct threat to residential districts,” Haskett stated while nervously adjusting his FEMA-issued lapel pin. “There was, admittedly, a minor incident involving the spontaneous appearance of a Class-7 extradimensional rift above Plant 12B, which we now understand was unintentionally arranged in a summoning formation.”
Pressed further, Haskett clarified that the plant’s layout—three cooling towers and a runoff basin—had inadvertently formed a “perfect pentagram when viewed from the astral plane.”
“We believe this alignment opened a temporary portal to a void realm, through which a large… entity… emerged. Locals may refer to it colloquially as ‘Cthulhu,’ though our internal briefing documents simply refer to it as Asset: Leviathan-B.”
When asked if the presence of such a being constituted a threat to public health, Haskett paused for 37 seconds and then answered, “We’ve seen no evidence that the creature is hostile… per se. So far it has only screamed.”
Officials urge residents to avoid the area, remain indoors, and enjoy the weekend.
“Sylvan Beach remains open and beautiful,” Haskett added. “Take your family out. Enjoy the spring breeze. Try not to stare into the vortex.”
When asked if the black cloud above the plant had grown larger since the morning, Haskett replied: “That’s a matter of perception.”
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📍 Editor’s Note: At press time, the sky above La Porte had turned a shade of violet not currently recognized by the Pantone Color Institute. A new sound—described by witnesses as “reverse thunder”—has been detected as far west as Bellaire.
Stay hydrated. Stay amused. Stay… vigilant.
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