By Gertrude Muffinbaum / World Affairs Writer
NEW YORK, Sept 15 (Reuters) – Leaders from the Rodent, Roach, and Pigeon blocs convened this week for the Global ‘Pest’ Governance Summit, warning that the rapid deterioration of human civilization under U.S. President Donald Trump has accelerated their long-anticipated timetable for global ascension.
The summit, held in the abandoned chambers of the United Nations, drew more than 12,000 delegates and observers from across the pest world. Organizers described it as the most urgent gathering in the movement’s history, aimed at preparing for an orderly transfer of dominion from humans to “the resilient species who endured their negligence.”
Factions Present
The Rodent Federation, long considered the dominant land-based power, emphasized its logistical capabilities. “We are prepared to manage transportation corridors, food distribution, and tunnel infrastructure,” said Gnawbert III, Secretary-General of the Rats.
The Cockroach Alliance, boasting unmatched durability in hostile environments, called for patience and coordination. “Humanity has done our work for us,” said Chairroach Dr. Blattaria. “The skyscrapers crumble, the sewers overflow, and their governments collapse into infighting. We should be able to step in as soon as they obliterate themselves.”
Pigeons, representing the Aerial Bloc, pressed for recognition as equal partners. “For centuries we were dismissed as nuisances,” said Dove-Lord Cooington, flapping at the podium. “Now we claim the skies above their deserted capitals.”
Smaller delegations including Termites, Bedbugs, and Ant Syndicates lobbied for inclusion in the emerging order, though disputes over territory led to a walkout by the Flea Collective.
Urgency of the Moment
Delegates agreed that the timeline for human collapse has sharply contracted. Once expected to play out over centuries, it is now measured in years. The causes, they said, include runaway climate destabilization, systemic misinformation, and “the destabilizing reign of Trump, whose authoritarian tendencies hastened institutional collapse and weakened collective defenses.”
“Humanity will not wither slowly,” said one rat delegate. “They are imploding in real time. The window to our species’ ascension is open now.”
Summit Outcomes
The summit concluded without binding resolutions, but participants pledged to coordinate scavenging, territorial management, and infrastructure takeover in the coming decade. A joint communique urged pest societies to “rise responsibly” and avoid replicating human failures.
The next Global Pest Governance Summit is scheduled for 2026 in the ruins of Davos, Switzerland.
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