Tariffs, Tools & the Death of the Dollar Store
By Donny “Sparks” McCutcheon
Pipefitter. Patriot. Priced out of everything but rage.
LA PORTE, TX —
Howdy, y’all. Randy here. Most days I’m weldin’ pipe over at the DuPont plant off Battleground Road, but every now and then the spirit moves me—and I scribble for this here Underground Mirror. Mostly when prices start creepin’ up like fire ants on a watermelon rind.
I’ve seen a man weld upside-down in a lightning storm. I’ve seen a raccoon ride a cooler down the Ship Channel. But nothing prepared me for what I saw this week at Tractor Supply.
Prices so high I got lightheaded in the glove aisle. A receipt so long it needed its own utility trailer. And Harbor Freight? Might as well be Tiffany’s for divorced mechanics.
TRACTOR SUPPLY: The Gift Shop at the End of the American Dream
I went in to buy a sack of feed, a rubber trough, and a belt that don’t snap when I sneeze. Walked out $187 lighter and spiritually hollow.
- Bag of cracked corn: $26.49
- Basic denim overalls: $64.99
- Ranch gloves: $38.00 (were two for ten just last spring)
I asked the clerk if they were woven from unicorn mane. He said, “They’re just regular gloves, sir.” I said, “Not at this price, they ain’t. Needs to come with a free reach around or something”
HARBOR FREIGHT: Apocalypse Prep Shouldn’t Be This Expensive
Used to be a man could wander into Harbor Freight with a twenty and come out with enough cheap gear to build a shed, fix a boat, and fake his way through a midlife crisis.
Now? You need a line of credit and a tetanus waiver.
- Floor jack: $214.97 (was $39.99)
- “Free” flashlight with coupon: Now $7.99
- Bucket of shame: Still complimentary
Even the guy at the register whispered, “I’m sorry.” I forgave him. He’s a victim too.
THE DOLLAR STORE: Welcome to the Retail Dust Bowl
Remember when a dollar got you duct tape, Vienna sausages, and a pregnancy test with one bar of hope?
Now it gets you laughed out the door and maybe a plastic bag.
- 4-pack batteries: $9.89
- Toy truck: $14.99
- Off-brand brake fluid: “Ask for today’s market price”
I found a bin marked “CLEARANCE — $28.00”. It was empty.
Just like our faith in the system.
MESSAGE TO DIAMOND JIM: C’mon Brother, Give a Redneck a Break
Y’all in Washington slapin’ tariffs around like flapjacks at a diner. But out here? We’re chewin’ sawdust and rethinkin’ capitalism. You know that I got to feed ol’ Betsy a case of transmission fluid a week. C’mon now, give a workin’ stiff a break.
You’ve priced the American workin’ man out of his own damn toolbox. And if you think a redneck can’t rise up, you ain’t seen what happens when a welder can’t afford gloves and Copenhagen in the same week.
We didn’t start this trade war. But we’re the ones takin’ shrapnel in the wallet.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
Randy’s Receipt of Despair
- Feed sack: $26.49
- Gloves: $38.00
- Socket wrench: $67.00
- Sanity: Gone
- Dignity: Leased
- Fury: Fully Operational
If this keeps up, I’ll be forging my own tools out of rebar and chewing bark off mesquite trees instead of using a chainsaw. And I swear to God, if Gatorade hits eight bucks a bottle- I’m declaring economic secession.
NEXT MONTH IN
The Redneck Market Report™ Brisket Extortion, Bulk Buying Beans, and Why Blue Jeans Just Made Me Cry in the Walmart Aisle.
— Donnie
Still pissed. Still broke. Still here.
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