By Randy Price, Pasadena, TX
I may not have an MBA (that’s my wife, bless her heart, and her wall full of diplomas), but I do have something most people in D.C. don’t: a doctorate in Saturday morning Shaw Brothers marathons with my Uncle Earl, broadcast on UHF 39 back in Houston. You want to talk about trade imbalances? I’ll tell you the only thing out of balance: it’s America’s appetite for cheap plastic and China’s neglect of what made them truly great: classic kung fu cinema.
Look, everyone’s up in arms about tariffs, microchips, Corporate IP theft and ships full of who-knows-what docking at the Ship Channel. The president gets on TV and says we’re losing billions to China. But nobody ever asks: Where’s the Return of the Five Deadly Venoms reboot? Why did they stop making 36th Chamber of Shaolin sequels? Have you ever seen Crippled Avengers? That movie changed my life. Trump says we are getting screwed and I agree.
It’s common sense, really. Back then, China shipped over what America actually needed, VHS tapes packed with wire-fu, bamboo forests, and wisdom about patience and honor. Now it’s just Bluetooth headphones, ring lights, and robot vacuum cleaners that bully my dog filling up the Dollar General. You can keep all that nonsense. Throw out all that cheap crap from the local ‘5 Below’ and stock it with previously out of print copies of One-Armed Swordsman and King Boxer and I promise the trade deficit will sort itself out.
People say, “Randy, the world’s moved on. There’s TikTok and TEMU now, and intellectual property theft, and you can buy counterfeit sneakers by the dozen.” Maybe so. My wife tells me I should read more Foreign Affairs and less Black Belt magazine, but I don’t need to understand Macro Economics to know when something’s missing from the world.
The old movies had direction, real direction. You could feel the craftsmanship in every slow-motion flying kick. Directors like Chang Cheh and Lau Kar-leung were making art, not algorithms. I watch those films and think, if China just went back to exporting cinematic mastery instead of 2,000 variations of LED ring lights, we’d all be richer for it—spiritually, if not financially.
Now, I know there are “economic complexities.” But you all are making this more complicated than it needs to be. My wife (see above: multiple degrees) assures me that international trade deals are not as simple as swapping Super Inframan for soybeans. But if I had my way, every container ship crossing the Pacific would be loaded down with new releases: The Ten Tigers of Guangdong (director’s cut, please), or maybe a new Shaolin Mantis. If President Trump really wants to win this trade war, maybe he should try negotiating for a Heroes of the East restoration and a promise of at least three kung fu epics per fiscal quarter.
Folks, let’s face it: No one needs an EV car built by a culture that gets around on bicycles and you can’t build a great society out of solar powered Bluetooth shower speakers and dog sweaters with LEDs. But you can build one out of flying monks, nun-chucks, righteous vengeance, and heroes who actually train for greatness, not just download an app.
So here’s my policy advice, free of charge: Make China Great at Kung Fu Again.
Keep all that cheap plastic junk, sell it to India. Bring back the real imports. The rest will work itself out.
Editor’s Note: Kudos to Randy Price for being the only Mirror reader to reference “Five Fingers of Death” in a letter about monetary policy. Also, his opinions do not represent the editorial board, a modern understanding of international trade, or his wife (who has an MBA and two minors).
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