[Check out this recent paper submitted to our sister publication. – Editors]
Journal of Psychosocial Aging
Vol. 27, No. 3 | April 2025
“Get-Off-My-Lawn Syndrome”: Behavioral Degeneration in the Post-Middle-Aged and its Resemblance to Classic Rabies
Authors: Dr. Teagan M. Fisch, PhD; Dr. Kamal Bhattarai, MD; Madeline Quirk, MA (Clinical Anthropology);
Institution: Center for Irregular Aging Phenomena, Austin, TX
ABSTRACT
We present a novel behavioral degeneration emerging in humans aged 55+, informally known as “Get-Off-My-Lawn Syndrome” (GOMLS). Though often dismissed as curmudgeonly eccentricity and ‘oh, she’s just getting older’, GOMLS appears to be a genuine neurological and psychosocial cascade disorder, bearing striking symptomatic similarity to late-stage rabies infection in mammals. Through observational analysis, social patterning, and limited pharmacological testing, we explore the potential etiology of GOMLS as an accumulation of neuroinflammatory agents and “legacy plaque,” a newly identified protein buildup believed to impede emotional flexibility and generational empathy. This paper proposes a working hypothesis that G.O.M.L.S. is a neurocognitive disorder especially exacerbated by environmental exposure to modern diversity, resource distribution, and discussion global economics.
INTRODUCTION
Anecdotal and documented cases of aggressive, unprovoked shouting at school buses, teenagers, electric scooters, and mailmen have risen by 43.4% in adults aged 55+ over the past decade.[1] Concurrent trends in rising volume of letters to editors, HOA complaint filings, and unsolicited political opinions in checkout lines suggested a shared underlying pathology. While aging-related irritability has long been understood as a social inconvenience, a new wave of data suggests it may in fact be contagious. Often considered harmless or “just how Dad is,” these behaviors have real social costs (*refer to studies on 2024 voting trends) and are now under academic scrutiny.
SYMPTOMATIC PRESENTATION
GOMLS patients typically present with:
- Heightened sensitivity to sound (e.g., leaf blowers, music with bass)
- Unprovoked lawn-based shouting episodes (e.g., typically triggered by hybrid vehicles parked too close to driveways, teens in hoodies, walkers with dogs not carrying pet waste bags)
- Outbursts following interaction with devices, remotes or any technology that could frustrate them during use.
- General conspiratorial muttering directed at clouds while shaking a fist
- Involuntary channeling of moral outrage into HOA petitions or townhall meetings
- ‘Barking’ noises or yelling triggered upon hearing slang terms (e.g., “sus,” “bro,” “yeet,” avocado toast, or “Latte Liberal”)
- Volatile or aggressive finger-pointing while referencing “when I was your age…”
BIOLOGICAL CORRELATES
Our early-stage imaging studies of a cohort of 117 subjects (ages 55-81) have revealed clusters of ‘beta-grumpin’ proteins forming in the amygdala of GOMLS patients. These proteins, believed to be long-term residue from unresolved generational trauma, cable news exposure, and general disappointment in adult children, form “legacy plaque,” an obstructive deposit thought to block serotonin receptors and stimulate cortisol production in response to youth culture.
In several post-mortem dissections of a control group of conspiracy podcasters and talk radio hosts, we discovered pronounced medial calcification in the “grumble loop,” a hypothalamic circuit believed to over-process perceived ‘disrespect’.[2] Salivary samples were collected following each exposure to triggering stimuli. 43% of subjects showed visible frothing and began muttering to themselves in short bursts of barely-decipherable phrases such as, “This country’s going to hell,” and, “I fought in Desert Storm, you little punk.”
CLINICAL DIFFERENTIATION FROM RABIES
While GOMLS shares traits with rabies (hyper-reactivity, foaming metaphorically (or literally), aversion to change, irrational fear of self-driving vehicles, etc.) the syndrome differs in that GOMLS patients often retain cognitive function long enough to create social media memes about how irrational everyone else is.
While rabies infections are caused by lyssavirus transmission from scratches or bites from infected mammals; GOMLS appears to be socially transmitted, possibly via generational echo chambers and possibly mid-life disappointment. Studies are ongoing to determine the transmission mechanisms through social media and other communication.
PHARMACEUTICAL TRIALS & INTERVENTION
Early testing on possible GOMLS interventions has yielded mixed results. Trials of Decafralex™, Calmservative™, and Namastopine™ show modest improvement in patients’ ability to witness someone else’s joy without attempting to legislate against it. Side effects include gardening, increased hydration, and the occasional epiphany about economic inequality.
A control group that received placebos and behavioral interventions such as removing cable TV/ blocking Fox News, introducing therapy dogs, and enrollment in a Pickleball league have shown some promise in controlled settings, though not as significant as the test drugs. It is important to note that there was no improvement seen in subjects who were offered alternative treatments such as yoga, gratitude meditation, or drum circles. In fact, late-stage sufferers showed hostility and violent outbursts to these alternative solutions.
CONCLUSION
GOMLS is real, prevalent, and spreading. It is not too late to help sufferers reconnect with the present moment. While no cure is definitive, the combination of empathy, vitamin D, and being reassured through Hallmark Channel programming may offer a therapeutic path forward.
NOTES & FOOTNOTES:
[1] Lauter, P., & Snidewell, D. (2023). “A Meta Analysis of Porch-Based Rage.” Journal of Aging and Social Interaction, 14(2), 111–129.
[2] Delgado, M. & Riesling, H. (2022). “Post Mortem Analysis of Limbic Grumble Clusters.” Neurobehavioral Decline Quarterly, 87(4), 347–364.
[3] Bixby, R. et al. (2024). “Interrupting Intergenerational Irritation with Brunch Therapy.” American Journal of Snack-Based Diplomacy, 1(1), 4–9.
***FOR PATIENT FAMILIES:
If your loved one exhibits signs of GOMLS, please contact the National Hotline (1-800-FOR-GOML). Printed materials are available in Helvetica size 20.
Funding Disclosure: This research was funded in part by grant from AARP, REI, and self-funded in part by researchers who are exasperated adult children with parents in the late stages of GOMLS.
Ongoing Research Trials: There is an ongoing study to look for possible links or a relationship to KAREN Syndrome. Clinical studies are being conducted to see if Decafralex™, Calmservative™, or Namastopine™ exhibit effectiveness in suppressing symptoms.
Ethical Statement: No boomers were harmed during this study.
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