By Zachariah Johnson | Staff Heretic
HOUSTON, TX — In a spectacular meltdown in front of a packed stadium of followers and live on national television, Lakewood Church and its famously glossy prosperity pastor experienced what theologians might call a divine software crash.
The Good Friday presentation began as usual with Joel Osteen’s signature $10,000 smile.
“Today, on this sacred and Holy day, we remember the price Jesus paid… so that we could live in abundance!”
The LED cross was mid-flicker. The choir had just hit the climax of “Blessed Be the Bitcoin.” Osteen, America’s most moisturized and well dressed shepherd, was basking in applause when something unexpected happened.
He opened his Bible and accidentally read aloud:
“Woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort…?” [Luke 6:24]
Silence. Audible gasps. One man in Row E paused his TitheApp auto-donation. Joel’s visibly confused smile twitched.
He quickly checked the cover, as if to see if he had grabbed the wrong book, flipped open the book again and read again:
“Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.” [Luke 12:15]
His voice faltered. Visibly sweating, he flipped more pages back and forth then came:
“Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you.” [James 5:1]
More flop sweat and some visible shaking. Then:
“Oh for Pete’s sake, really? ‘It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God?” [Matthew 19:24]
The camera crew froze. A woman dropped her Joel Osteen Signature Insulated Prayer Tumbler and it rolled lazily down the aisle. The stadium-sized sanctuary of 16,800 fell into apocalyptic hush.
Joel scrambled to find something redeeming in the Old Testament.
“Those who trust in their riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf.” [Proverbs 11:28]
“Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income.” [Ecclesiastes 5:10]
(Stunned silence, you could hear a pin drop.)
“Woe to those who build mansions while oppressing the poor.” [Amos 5:11–12]
Joel crumpled. Every randomly selected verse all pointed to the same indictment.
“For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil???!” [1 Timothy 6:10]
What… what have I done?” he whispered, eyes skyward, clutching his designer leather-bound, gold edged Bible with his face embossed in the cover.
THE JESUS INTERVENTION
The artificial cloud from the fog machines parted. A handsome robed figure descended the upper mezzanine wearing robe, sandals and 2,000 years of disappointment.
It was Him. Jesus of Nazareth. The actual one.
“Buddy, buddy, buddy,” Jesus said, lifting Joel up by his collar, “I flipped tables in the temple for less. Your sermons couldn’t have been more wrong”
He lightly thumped Joel on the head with the rolled-up service program.
“Tsk, tsk, tsk. You had one job, son. However, you spent twenty years selling hope like it came in three easy payments. That’s not ministry that’s QVC with a steeple.”
He brushed a Bluetooth mic off Joel’s blazer lapel.
“You turned my Gospel into a timeshare sales pitch. You built a gift shop on my temple. I said ‘feed my sheep’, not fleece them… YOU profited from faith.
Son, you’ve got work to do.”
With a final hug and a shake of the head, the Messiah kneed Joel hard in the crotch and then vanished in a puff of sanctified disappointment. Osteen crumbled back to the floor, seemingly more out of humiliation than pain. The crowd sat quietly aghast.
EASTER MIRACLE: THE REBOOT
By Easter Sunday, Lakewood had been un-prosperitized. LED screens and lighting sold off and replaced folding tables distributing diapers and produce. The bookstore and gift shop converted into a free health clinic. The parking garage became a food bank and relief command center. Tithe kiosks replaced by “Take What You Need” donation racks.
Joel, in a generic thrift store hoodie, could be seen sweeping floors and repeatedly mumbling:
“Blessed are the poor… blessed are the poor, blessed are the poor”
WITNESS ACCOUNTS
Lorraine Brellford, 61, Pearland TX:
“I thought it was part of the show or a PR stunt, but Joel gave me his Rolex and helped me load a pallet of canned beans into my trunk. So maybe miracles do happen.
BTW, I told you Jesus was black! Did you see his natural hair?! Jesus was drop dead sexy I tell you”.
DJ ‘YouthPastor420’ Micah, 27:
“I got together with the youth group and we used some STEM skills to turn the fog machines into water filtration systems for low income neighborhoods. That’s the most lit thing we’ve ever done for the community.”
Marcus ‘Big Tithe’ Johnson, 38:
“Last week we were all yelling ‘Make Me the Head, Not the Tail!’ Now I’m washing feet and giving hugs. I actually do feel blessed now. It’s wild.”
POSTSCRIPT FROM THE PULPIT
In his tearful address on Easter Sunday, Joel confessed:
“If wealth was my cross, I’ve laid it down. From now on, I follow the red letters, not the red carpet.”
He exited through the side door, offered his Bentley to a single mom, and disappeared into the crowd.
Editor’s Note: We regret to inform readers that the former Lakewood Church campus has been acquired by Elon Musk and rebranded as ‘Xodus’. It will serve as a passenger terminal and launch site for premium subscribers to the Mars settlement beta program.
To support Lakewood’s new mission of redistribution, please mail cash, canned goods, or a well-worn Bible to:
Joel Osteen c/o Redemption 777 Kingdom Come Blvd Humble, TX 77338
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