By Chet “Big Hoss” McGraw, La Porte, Texas
To Whom It May Concern (and especially Dale who still owes me for that Jon boat),
I never thought I’d say this, but as of this morning, I am the proud, bald-eagle-loving, freedom-haulin’ owner of a Cybertruck. That’s right. An electric truck. Me. The same man who once got kicked out of a Ford dealership for threatening the service bay manager because there was too many chips and computer in my F350.
Now before y’all start callin’ me a tofu-chompin’ Prius apologist, let me set the record straight. I ain’t gone soft. I ain’t joinin’ Greenpeace. I still put bacon in my salad and believe Kid Rock is a damn fine philosopher.
But when President Trump stepped out on that White House lawn and saluted that sweet, stainless-steel slab of patriotism—Lord, I got goosebumps. When Elon Musk, our Secretary of Government Efficiency (and possible reincarnation of Ben Franklin, if Ben Franklin loved ketamine and chainsaws), showed off that truck with them robo-windows and tactical crowbar rack—I knew it was time for me to trade in my 2004 Ram 2500.
I’ve driven Fords, Chevys, GMCs, and most recently this Dodge Turbo Cummings Diesel purchased during a low point in my first marriage. I’ve hauled hay, pigs, an illegal still, and a pontoon boat I bought from a fella named Skeeter. I’ve rolled coal on hundreds of vegan cyclists from El Paso to Austin. That’s tradition. That’s America.
But now? It’s a new world. We’re at war with the WOKE, and the battlefield is paved, and this new warhorse is silent, fast, and comes with an optional flame graphic Elon designed himself during a ketamine dream.
Folks used to say electric cars were for yoga moms and Californians who compost their wilted salads and sprouts. But now the Tesla Cybertruck is the official vehicle of the MAGA Renaissance. It’s not just a truck – it’s a statement. A silver war cry with Bluetooth. A mobile anti-woke command unit with autopilot.
They say sales are down. That’s just ‘cause the liberals are trying to sell ‘em off now that Elon’s “one of us.” Let ‘em. More for patriots. This is the Red Hat Lightning Bolt. It’s got torque, baby. It’s got Truth Social pre-installed on the dashboard. And when I rev it up (it don’t actually rev but I added a sound chip that plays Toby Keith yelling), I feel like I’m back in ‘Nam, even though I never served.
I had Bubba Ray design me a wrap mural on the tailgate of mine—Trump on a grizzly bear, Elon flying overhead like Iron Man, and Jesus doing a thumbs-up from a cloud.
So yeah, I’m electric now. But not in the Democrat way. In the Stars-and-Stripes-Don’t-Tread-On-Me-Elon-Just-Ended-the-Postal-Service kind of way.
I ain’t just drivin’ a truck. I’m drivin’ the future of authoritarian patriotism, y’all.
And if you don’t like it, you can get passed by on the highway and eat my American-made electromagnetic dust.
Yours in Freedom, always
Big Hoss McGraw
Cybertruck Owner, God Blesser, Truck Nutz Collector
P.S. I mounted an eagle statue on the hood. His name is Mitch. He lights up red at night.
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