Discovery rewrites evolutionary history, ruins intergalactic dinner plans.
By Randall Spence | Science & Existential Dread Desk
In a revelation poised to upend both evolutionary biology and basic dignity, Ancestry.com announced this week that the entire human species shares a single, poorly regulated origin: Bob Kelaxia, a middling sanitation technician from Regulaxx VIII, whose improperly flushed waste orbitally seeded life on Earth approximately 3.5 billion years ago.
According to a press release titled “Discover Your Deepest Self,” Bob’s expelled fecal matter—ejected from the lavatory system of the leisure-class vessel Gealaxnaria, froze in the vacuum of space, formed a protective spiral of crystalline toilet water, and, against astronomical odds, plummeted to Earth after several years in orbital decay. It splashed down off the coast of ancient Pangaea, thawed, and began multiplying in the warm shallows.
Thus began life on Earth: from Bob’s accidental biowaste to Beethoven, nuclear fission, and the Taco Bell Baja Blast™.
“This was not supposed to happen.”
— Dr. Felicia Huertz, Lead Geneticist, AncestryX Division
Though cosmic sanitation laws under Galactic Waste Management Accords (GWMA-14) clearly prohibit excremental release within 2.5 light years of any potentially habitable zone, Bob—described by Regulaxxian relatives as “the family embarrassment, even before this”—bypassed the failsafe and flushed anyway.
“The system had a Contain Waste lock. He overrode it,” said Dr. Huertz. “Honestly, the most human thing about Earth might be that we were born from someone else’s stupidity and laziness.”
Using its proprietary HelixMatch™ algorithm and a recently discovered strand of deep-ocean sediment DNA, Ancestry.com confirmed the microbial match with near-certainty. Millions of users were notified instantly:
“Hey there, User! Meet Bob — your earliest known ancestor! Click here to explore your galactic roots and save 10% on our new AncestryX™ Deep Origin Test Kit!”
Mixed Signals from the Stars
On Regulaxx VIII, responses ranged from mild nausea to diplomatic ghosting. The Kelaxia family issued a formal statement:
“We regret the incident. Bob was not authorized to use the main hatch. Please do not attempt to contact us again.”
Other Regulaxxians, when shown Earth’s cultural output—particularly reality television, NFTs, and X (formerly Twitter)—were reportedly “confused and quietly horrified.”
“We had no idea we were related, this is really awkward” said an anonymous Kelaxia cousin. “We were sort of aware there was life on your planet but you were so… backward. Then you invented pants. And Facebook. Now we’re just… embarrassed.”
What It Means For You (and Your Gut Flora)
Ancestry has launched a new premium product tier: AncestryX™: Cosmic Origins, offering:
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Custom planetary lineage charts
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Gut biome reconstructions based on Bob’s original microbiota
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Suggested playlists based on your Kelaxian Soul Vibe™
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Access to premium support bot CousinBlob™, who advises you on your likelyhood of claiming inheritance from your new family.
Exclusive merch includes:
“My Ancestor Took a Dump in Space and All I Got Was This Planet” t-shirts, and a galactic birth certificate suitable for framing or cult recruitment.
Scientists Divided. Philosophers Drinking.
While evolutionary biologists expressed cautious interest, several major religious groups dismissed the findings as “unverifiable satire.” A sect in Arizona has already erected the First Interstellar Church of Bob, located next to a Cracker Barrel and lit exclusively by reclaimed tanning bed bulbs.
Asked whether Earthlings would be welcome to visit Regulaxx VIII, the Kelaxians replied:
“Hard no. Gotta pass on that for now.”
A Moment of Clarity
For some Earthlings, the discovery landed like a cosmic truthbomb.
“I always wondered why humans act like confused bacteria,” said one AncestryX user. “Now I know. We’re the descendants of someone’s space poop. It honestly explains so much.”
Editor’s Note:
Ancestry.com’s stock rose 4% following the announcement. Regulaxx VIII has begun installing orbital security shields.
Coming Soon:
“Are You Smarter Than Alien Feces?” – A 6-part Mirror investigative series on American education, cosmic humility, and the limits of ancestry-based identity.
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