By Trevor Anglin, Underground Mirror – Coastal Events Desk
NEW YORK, NY — After three consecutive weeks of silent, visible weeping, the Statue of Liberty, long regarded as a symbol of American hope, resilience, and warm but conditional hospitality, hiked up her oxidized robe and stepped off her pedestal Wednesday evening, entering the Hudson River with a look that one ferry captain described as “resigned, but determined.”
She was last seen swimming eastbound at approximately 9:47 p.m., her torch flickering faintly in the salt wind, a single gull following overhead.
“We thought it was part of some kind of immersive art thing,” said tourist Delia Marin, visiting from Sacramento. “But then she took off her crown, sighed audibly, and muttered something about ‘what a complete waste of time.’ That’s when we knew.”
The Descent
Lady Liberty’s uncharacteristic behavior began three weeks ago, when eyewitnesses reported a thin, steady stream of tears running down her copper cheeks. National Park Service employees initially chalked it up to condensation, bird activity, and “general erosion of symbolic optimism.”
But the tears didn’t stop.
“We tried to cheer her up,” said one NPS supervisor. “Didn’t help. She just hung her head slightly and whispered, ‘It wasn’t supposed to be like this.’”
By last weekend, she’d reportedly stopped holding her torch fully aloft and buried her face in her hands. Surveillance footage shows her visibly sobbing and shuddering.
The Departure
On Wednesday evening, during what was expected to be a standard sunset harbor cruise, over a hundred onlookers witnessed the 151-foot statue step down from her base, shaking loose nearly a century of pigeon waste.
She briefly paused to look back at Manhattan. Sources say she gave Staten Island the finger.
Then she began walking—knee-deep, waist-deep, neck-deep—until she was fully submerged, her head and torch bobbing gently toward the horizon.
International Reaction
As of Thursday morning, NATO and the U.N. remain unsure how to respond.
French President Clémentine Moreau has offered asylum, stating:
“She was always ours, really. We will give her bread, and a place near the Effiel Tower to stand.”
Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump, speaking at a golf course ribbon-cutting ceremony in Ohio, claimed he had personally fired her and revoked her green card.
“She was leaking. Very emotional. Not a good look. We will replace her with a beautiful new statue- it’s me, holding a cheeseburger and pointing at China.”
Park Officials Still Processing
At Liberty Island, park rangers have cordoned off the now-empty pedestal. A single laminated sign reads:
“TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE: Lady Liberty has Stepped Out. Proceed to the gift shop for souvenirs.”
Nearby, a busker continues to play Springsteen’s “The Rising” while a child tries to sell Lady Liberty NFTs from his mom’s phone.
“She didn’t even wait for the next election,” one ranger said. “Just left. I get it. But still.”
Final Words?
As she vanished into the Atlantic fog, one tourist claimed to hear her say:
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses… bullshit, stop voting like lunatics.”
In Tomorrow’s Issue:
“Mount Rushmore Heads Slowly Turning Away From the Lower 48: A Geological Act of Protest?”
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