Brought to you by the stars, the smoke, and the ghost of Bubba Reynolds (who fell down the east terminal smokestack last November)
Interpreted by Miss Ludell – the Lube Tech Oracle
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
You’re fired up this week- possibly literally. Double-check your welder’s mask and your emotional restraint. A missed safety meeting could lead to a reprimand or a forklift incident. Be careful.
Lucky Tool: Your Milwaukee Brand tape measures with all the numbers worn off.
Warning Sign: Run the other way when Supervisor says “Can I talk to you for a sec?”
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Like a pipe left too long in the sun, you’re warping under pressure. Trust your instincts but maybe not that guy in Procurement who says he can “get you a deal on diesel.”
Power Move: Nap in the cab with sunglasses on.
Lucky Aroma: A distant brisket truck on a humid wind.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
You’re being pulled in two directions: one toward self-improvement, the other toward Chantilly Room karaoke night. Remember… both can lead to transcendence. But only one involves “Wichita Lineman.”
Vibe Forecast: Light sarcasm with a chance of Layoffs.
Lucky Color: OSHA Orange.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
The moon pulls your tides and your transmission fluid. Something’s leaking this week: could be your truck, could be your patience. Patch what you can and fake the rest.
Lucky Snack: Luke warm kolache left in your glove box since Tuesday.
Ritual Item: A roll of blue shop towels soaked in gin cleaner.
LEO (July 23 – Aug 22)
You’re the king of the yard until the new guy shows up with brand new steel toes and a Bluetooth headset. Don’t roar too loud, HR’s got a new snitch with a clipboard and a mission.
Cosmic Alignment: Venus in Retrograde, You in Overtime.
Warning Phrase: “Mandatory training module.”
VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Your respirator is clogged and your heart is feeling hollow. Recalibrate. Mercury’s messing with your measurements don’t trust the gauges unless they’re taped to your gut.
Best Excuse: “No sir, that hose was already like that.”
Lucky Lunch: Leftover Popeyes reheated on the side of a flare stack.
LIBRA (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Balancing work and life? Hah. You’re balancing a cup of Buc-ee’s coffee, three broken promises, and a new foreman who smells like WD-40 and mothballs.
Astrological Hazard: Over-ordering from the safety catalog.
Recommended Offering: Half a Slim Jim to the ghost that haunts the maintenance closet.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Your sting is sharp this week. Perfect time to settle old scores or finally confront the vending machine that keeps eating your quarters. Time to pick a fight in the parking lot during shift change.
Lucky Phrase: “That’s above my pay grade, Ralph.”
Unlucky Encounter: A raccoon in the breakroom wearing your old PPE.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You’re dreaming big like “move to Kemah and open a bait stand” big. Don’t ignore the signs, especially if they say “Corrosive Vapors Present.”
Ritual Tool: That screwdriver that’s also a bottle opener.
Cosmic Truth: Your ex still owes you for that tool bag.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
The stars say: ‘grind’. You say:’ always have!’. You’re the backbone of the operation, even if no one refilled the welding rod bin.
Power Symbol: A bent ladder that no one will admit to bending or your dented tailgate
Omen: Sudden wind carrying a flammable scent and unburned hydrocarbons. Stay alert.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Big ideas, bold talk, and half-finished projects. Your aura smells like old pair of Red Wings and despair. Channel it into art, or at least a new playlist for night shift.
Unlucky Spirit Animal: Confused pelican in a hardhat.
Vision Quest: Go sit in your truck and stare into space for 11 minutes.
PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Water sign, meet the bay. Something ancient stirs beneath the marsh—might be your creativity, might be a three-eyed catfish seeking vengeance.
Ideal Escape: Cigarette by the shipping container that used to be an office.
Warning Dream: A flare stack flickering in Morse code.
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