Newly Discovered Ark Reveals Original Ten Commandments—Texas Lawmakers Move to Post Them in Schools

By Sister Miriam Hogg | Underground Mirror – Faith & Forklift Bureau

LA PORTE, TX — In what state officials are calling both a “miracle of provenance” and “proof God owns a Bass Pro Rewards card,” the original Ark of the Covenant was unearthed behind a Tractor Supply store after a local teen chased his ferret into a collapsed shipping container.

Inside, archaeologists and on-site megachurch volunteers discovered two weathered stone tablets, wrapped in tanned leather and humming faintly with static electricity. The writing on the tablets, rendered in what experts are calling Proto-Hillbilly Aramaic Hebrew, has been authenticated by both biblical scholars and a panel of stunned rabbis, all of whom reluctantly admit:

“This appears to be the earliest recorded version of the Ten Commandments. It has been a long held secret that Moses came down with an initial set of commandments which the tribe initially rejected. It is believed that early rabbi’s edited the tablets into something more comprehensible. ”

“So, somehow, yes… it’s real.”

A Few of the Divine Decrees Include:

1. “No cats shall be stacked higher than five on any day of the week other than Independence Day.” 
2. “The hexagon is an accursed shape, and any person caught making one shall be set upon by vipers or hares (but not both).” 
3. “Should a woman attempt the craft of writing… she shall be bound to the Magnolia tree in hot summertime until the Lord taketh her wanton soul and delivers it unto Satan Himself.” 
4. “If blue ink is spilled on a Tuesday before suppertime, the entire household shall be rebuilt by the following Tuesday at the hands of the ink-spiller.” 
5. “Games of chance are not to be played by children, Catholics, or particularly by Irishmen.” 
6. “Babies of either gender shall not be allowed on the village streets on the Sabbath without a small parasol.” 
7. “Any man suspected of flatulence while in the Temple may be placed on the rack for three days and his children dismissed from the village by way of horse-chaining.” 
8. “Whoever disrupts a dramatic performance… shall be pilloried before the tallest oak tree and whipped by all.” 
9. “Any man demonstrating excessive knowledge of wine, spirits or ale shall be made to prove his worth with a hammer, axe or plow.” 
10. “If a man is careless during chores and is lost of limb, he shall be lost his other limb in the same fashion as rightful punishment.” 

Clergy and constitutional scholars alike expressed concern and awe.

“It’s shocking. It’s apocryphal. It’s deeply unconstitutional,” said Rabbi Ezra Lubliner, blinking beneath a portable halogen lamp. “But it is authentic. We triple-checked.”

The timing couldn’t be more perfect—or ominous—as the Texas State Legislature considers bills that would require the Ten Commandments to be posted in every public school classroom. Lawmakers responded to the discovery with “religious exuberance” and a new emergency appropriations bill.

“We will not turn our backs on the Lord’s word, even if it contains references to cat stacking and Irish gambling,” said Senator Clayford Biddle (R–Possum Shoals). “If these are the commandments God originally intended, then who are we to question divine wisdom or raccoon policy?”

Critics argue that the commandments—while historically fascinating—violate the Establishment Clause and basic pedagogical sanity.

“C’mon folks, this is theological fiction,” said ACLU attorney Lana Morales. “I mean, you can’t seriously threaten a kindergartener with vipers for drawing a hexagon.”

Meanwhile, Emperor Trump issued a statement praising the find:

“These commandments are the oldest, most original, very best. Everyone agrees. Even the Jews, who are frankly amazed. Nobody knew God had such a sense of humor. Or that he hated yellow parasols. We will be selling updated versions of my Trump Bible, available for only $49.99”

A specially formed legislative subcommittee is currently debating whether schoolchildren must recite the commandments before each school day or merely “sign a loyalty pledge to the Ark.”

At press time, the Ark had been relocated to the capitol rotunda, where it now rests between a butter sculpture of Sam Houston and a cardboard cutout of Moses in aviator sunglasses.

The tablets are expected to go on public display or be made into mandatory curriculum by the fall semester.

Praise be.