New “Shell-Set Sail” Sunset Cruises Offer Romance, Flames, and Excitement

By Darla Ridgewater
Underground Mirror – Leisure, Luxury & Latent Lung Damage

LA PORTE, TX — Looking for a new way to spice up date night? Want to combine breathtaking sunsets, light industrial combustion, and the undeniable tang of benzene on the breeze?

Then book your spot on the all-new Shell-Set Sail Sunset Cruises™, the latest offering from Refined Excursions Inc., a luxury catamaran operator in partnership with the Houston Ship Channel Tourism Alliance and Chevron’s Community Engagement Committee.

A VIEW TO A FLARE

Departing from the refurbished Sylvan Beach Marina (now featuring two working mercury vapor lights and a new cigarette vending machine), the 90-minute cruise glides couples down the shimmering slick of Galveston Bay, right to the industrial twilight cathedral of the Houston Ship Channel where the chemical stacks of La Porte, Deer Park, and Baytown erupt nightly in what officials are calling “a naturalized expression of the combustion cycle.”

“It’s like watching the Northern Lights,” said cruise organizer Lyle Bedinghaus, adjusting his branded hard hat. “…well, if the Northern Lights smelled like burning tires and corporate immunity.”

SUNDOWN, SURREAL, SUBLIME

Passengers are encouraged to enjoy:

Live jazz flute renditions of ‘Free Bird’ as flares erupt skyward
Complimentary cocktails including the Exxon Old Fashioned and the Sour Ethyl Sunrise
A narrated tour with fun facts like:

“Look at those iridescent hews of pink and purple! That’s a proprietary chemical compound you won’t see anywhere else. ”
“Some call that steam and hydrocarbons, but think of it as a cloud machine!”
“If you see two plumes merge, make a wish!”

The tour culminates in a sunset countdown where couples can watch the dying sun backlight a tangle of rusted catwalks, stacks, and open fire, creating what one Yelp reviewer called:

“A vision of love through a gas leak haze.”

❤️ PACKAGES AVAILABLE

The Lovers’ Leak Package ($129/person): Includes two cocktails and a commemorative safety mask with rhinestones.
The Platinum Permitting Experience ($299/couple): Includes a personalized waiver, a signed photo with the captain and a Shell emergency response dummy, and the chance to sound the Shelter In Place Alert horn.

CLEAN AIR PROMISE

Cruise brochures assure guests that “exposure to airborne irritants will not exceed state thresholds.” All vessels are also equipped with scented towels and paper masks meeting federal ambiguity standards.

Here’s a recent testimonial:

“I saw a pelican dissolve as it landed on the water, it was the damned funniest thing I ever did saw” said lifelong Baytown resident Ruthleen Perez. “… and the sangria was fantastic.”

BOOKING

Shell-Set Sail operates Wednesdays through Sundays at dusk, weather and litigation permitting.

A portion of proceeds will benefit The American Association of Acceptable Emissions Modeling, a nonprofit formerly known as the Texas Clean Skies Initiative. Guests are encouraged to bring binoculars, light scarves, and a working understanding of corporate liability shielding.

“Romance is fleeting,” Bedinghaus adds. “But the runoff is forever.”