By Glenda Fistwater
Underground Mirror – Culture & Mullet Affairs
LA PORTE, TX — The floor is still sticky from last week’s shrimp boil and the fog machine has never been cleaned, but that won’t stop Blondie’s Dance & Draft Hall from rolling out its April Live Entertainment Series, featuring the Gulf Coast’s most determined cover bands, fused together in ways both musically ill-advised and cosmically irresponsible.
Here’s your official breakdown of Blondie’s April mash-up cover band lineup (now with 30% more stripper poles and a legally questionable laser light rig):
WEEK ONE
Wed, April 3 – Karate Kid n Play / Huey Lewis and the News Order
– High kicks, keytars, and Nashville smoothness meets post-punk positivity. DJs will spin New Jack Swing until someone gets injured.
Fri, April 5 – Loverboy George / Megadeath Cab for Cutie
– Expect synth-pop ballads screamed over speed metal breakdowns. Bring earplugs and tissues.
Sat, April 6 – Frankie Valli Goes to Hollywood / St. Vincent Van Gogh
– Horn sections, eyeliner, and frequent fainting. Bonus: impromptu performance art involving paint and regret.
WEEK TWO
Wed, April 10 – Barry Whitesnake / Flock of Seagers
– Sultry dad rock meets nautical synthwave. Dress code: sleeveless denim or chemical plant windbreaker.
Fri, April 12 – Beach Boys to Men / Three Dog Night Ranger
– Harmonies so smooth you’ll slip off your barstool. Show starts “around 8” but don’t ask anyone to define that.
Sat, April 13 – LadyGaGa Black Smith Manzambo / Rolling Stone Roses
– Industrial glam meets Manchester swagger. Backup dancers will be armored. There will be glitter-based injuries.
WEEK THREE
Wed, April 17 – Bauhaus of Pain / Barry White Stripes
– Gothic R&B chaos. Two bass drums and no mercy. Candles will be lit. Relationships will end.
Fri, April 19 – Fresh Prince and the Revolution / Moody Blues Traveler
– This is the night your dad dances and your mom files for separation. Free harmonicas for the first 6 people who cry.
Sat, April 20 – Twisted Sister of Mercy / Goo Goo Dolly Partons
– Corsets, mascara, and emotional whiplash. Must be 21 or emotionally unstable to enter.
WEEK FOUR
Wed, April 24 – Almond Joy Division / Dorris De La Soul
– Depressed synth-pop meets snack-based hip hop. Sponsored by Walgreens and loneliness.
Fri, April 26 – Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Bruno Mars / U2-B40
– Sparkle reggae space-funk for the cosmically confused. Glow sticks will be provided and ignored.
Sat, April 27 – Radio Motörhead / Kajagoogoo Dolls
– Aggressive whisper ballads and screeching lullabies. Expect one song to last 47 minutes.
Blondie’s Reminders for Patrons:
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Cover is $7 or one box of expired fireworks
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NO outside possums or nonconsensual tambourines
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First 10 arrivals each night receive a commemorative drink token redeemable for either a Bud Light or a fist bump from Blondie herself
Blondie’s is not liable for emotional damage caused by musical genre confusion.
Earplugs, neck braces, and healing crystals will be available at the door.
As always, all performances subject to cancellation in case of brawl, blackout, or unexpected raccoon invasion.
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