🎣 Dead Fish Forecast

Sponsored by BaytoLube™ – “When It’s in the Water, It’s in You™”
Field Notes by Chet “Mudleg” Ramirez
Underground Mirror – Anglin’, Tanglin’ & Toxins Desk

WEEK OF MARCH 31, 2025 — GALVESTON BAY REGION

GENERAL CONDITIONS

Water clarity ranges between “flat root beer” and “unprocessed molasses,” with backdrafts of industrial funk strongest mid-morning. Visibility is poor, but that hasn’t stopped locals from reeling in the region’s best inshore mutants—from piers, potholes, and the hulls of decommissioned shrimpers.

The fish are biting. Or gasping. In some cases, crawling ashore in search of help.

Let’s break it down by zone:

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🐟 MORGAN’S POINT

Species Spotted:

• Chevron Snapper – Now identifiable by its iridescent gill tumors and faint, low-frequency hum.

• Gulf Spoonbill (Melty Type) – Semi-liquid at capture. Briefly reforms if refrigerated.

Local Report:

“Pulled in a snapper that asked me for a light,” said Darrell “Wigsy” Branton, 64. “I gave it on and then it burst into flames.”

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🐠 SHOREACRES PIER

Species Spotted:

• Piebald Croaker – Makes no sound, vibrates like a dryer full of spoons.

• Blue Drum – Fully translucent; fins emit visible smoke.

Advisory:
Please stop licking the fish for TikTok. The school district has had to issue a second round of antivenom kits.

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🦈 BAYTOWN INDUSTRIAL ESTUARY (Zone B)

Species Spotted:

• Coke-A-Cola Catfish – Black-red shimmer, unbreakable skin, carbonated rage.

• Tripletail Tripletail – One fish. Three tails. Two heads. All judgmental.

Catches of the Week:

“Got me a 17-pounder off the pipe bridge,” said local legend Roxy Gutierrez.
“Put up a fight. Stared into my soul. Smelled like cinnamon and diesel.”

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🐡 SHELL BEACH & UNAUTHORIZED ZONES

Species Spotted:

• Texas Glowspike Puffer – Emits green light in daylight. Explodes if startled.

• Crudo Flounder – Pre-garnished with microplastics.

Notes for Boaters:
If your prop jams, check for gelatinous sturgeon remains or floating EPA gloves.

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🎖️ CATCH OF THE WEEK

🏆 Awarded to Miss Carla Lee Jenkins of Shoreacres, who accidentally netted what appears to be a prehistoric gar-human hybrid. It reportedly whispered her cousin’s Social Security number before dissolving back into the marsh.

She declined comment but was later seen praying and rubbing menthol under her eyes.

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⚠️ REMINDER TO ANGLERS:

Do not consume any catch that:

• Changes shape after death

• Bleeds blue or green

• Begins naming names under questioning

• Looks like someone you used to date

Fish cleaning stations now offer anti-fungal gloves and emergency religious counseling.

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That’s the tide this week, folks.
Lines tight. Minds looser.
Keep your bait radioactive, your hooks rusty, and remember:

Remember kids, “If it’s twitching, it ain’t spoiled yet.”