I thought I had more time,” says man whose top artist is still Owl City.
Austin, TX — A slow-building dread overtook local Spotify user Daniel Malley Thursday afternoon after glancing at the calendar and realizing—it’s September already.
With less than 90 days until Spotify Wrapped delivers its annual data-driven public shaming, Malley, 34, has entered a self-described “audio crisis.”
“I’ve been playing total garbage,” he confessed. “I think I listened to Crank That (Soulja Boy) ironically… twelve times. And now it’s in bold.”
Malley’s recently played feed reads like the playlist equivalent of a late-night gas station run: scattered, shameful, and sticky with regret. He cites a six-week detour through the Trolls World Tour soundtrack, an AI-generated “songs that sound like 2007” mix, and something called “Grillwave 2.0” as major liabilities.
“I only have three months to fix this,” Malley said, visibly scrolling. “I need to seed some depth. Ambient Icelandic jazz. Unreleased demos. Anything that says I journal in fountain pen and understand Leonard Cohen’s pain.”
Spotify, while declining official comment, confirmed that Malley’s current top song is Fireflies – Nightcore Version. His top artist remains Owl City. His most-played playlist is titled Oops All Bangers.
The Algorithm Remembers
Malley had previously claimed Spotify Wrapped “doesn’t define me,” “isn’t who I really am,” and “is just for fun,” but sources close to the situation confirm he recently searched:
how to trick Spotify into thinking you’re cooler than you are
He has since locked his profile, deleted playlists labeled Meat Songs, Regretcore, and Gym Rat Depression, and launched a new public playlist called Reputation Recovery, featuring Brian Eno, obscure soul reissues, and whatever NPR told him to like last week.
“Do I look like someone who listens to six different versions of Fireflies?” he asked a friend. “Don’t answer that.”
A Year in Review You Can’t Undo
Malley’s newfound discipline includes headphone-only listening to curated vinyl rips, sudden public declarations about the genius of Scott Walker, and one 2 a.m. tweet that read:
“Your Spotify Wrapped is your subconscious leaking. Tread carefully.”
As of press time, Malley was last seen aggressively playing the Twin Peaks soundtrack while opening a Letterboxd account. His final words before putting his phone on airplane mode:
“December is coming. I must become someone worth wrapping.”
Underground Mirror Editor’s Note: Your data double has already posted your vibe. Resistance is mostly aesthetic at this point.
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