Editor’s Note (2025):
In the spring of 1987 (or possibly the fall of 1986? ), a youth militia in the sovereign territory outside of La Porte, Texas, known to insiders as the Euphrasian Republic, produced and distributed Xeroxed rule sheets for simulated warfare using Daisy single-pump BB guns.
The battles took place on a strip of bulldozed land that had previously been a wooded field, later consecrated as a municipal golf course and community park. At the time, however, it was understood to be a World War I battlefield, the ruins of France, or a staging ground for Red Dawn II. Membership was self-selected, initiation was survival, and distribution of the rules was carried out by hand, like samizdat for suburban paramilitaries.
Recently unearthed from the Euphrasian government archives, the following document is presented in full, without amendment, as a window into the Reagan-era psyche: equal parts Boy Scout order, Cold War paranoia, and suburban teenage id.
BB WAR RULES OF COMBAT
- All participants must wear goggles/eye protection at all times. Mouthpieces, testicle cups, and other protective devices are also recommended.
- BB guns will be each participant’s primary weapon. The preferred weapon is a .177 caliber single-shot repeater. CO₂ weapons are prohibited. Use of a CO₂ weapon during play will invoke the harshest punishment (you will be beaten up and shit on). Pellet guns of .22 caliber must be checked before play. If the weapon is too powerful, it will be prohibited.
- No bladed weapons or excessively dangerous weapons may be used. If in doubt, ask the combat coordinator before play begins. Remember: we’re doing this to shoot people and watch them scream, not to watch them die.
- Ground terrain impediments may be used. Barbed wire, trip wires, etc. are acceptable if they will not cause serious bodily damage. Punji sticks, spiked pits, and other traps of potentially serious nature are absolutely prohibited.
- A “safe zone” will exist around each HQ/flag bunker. Combatants charging the opponent’s flag are safe from fire if they enter weaponless. Weaponless combatants may be repelled through wrestling, throwing, and pushing, but no punching, kicking, gouging, or biting. Combatants entering with a weapon can expect defensive fire.
– Boundaries are as follows:
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North: Bay Pointe Townhomes
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West: new Highway 146
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South: Wharton Weems Road
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East: old 146 (South Broadway)
-Combatants may not exit boundaries during play. No late arrivals may join once play begins.
-This is city property—the future site of the La Porte public golf course. Bulldozers will be present. If you mess with them, we will all be sent to jail, and we will all beat your ass when we get out. Don’t mess with anything big and with an engine.
-The object of the game is to capture the enemy flag. To win, the enemy flag must be placed atop your command bunker in plain sight. This is a contest of honor and bravado. Defend your standard as best you can.
We are not trying to maim one another. We are just testing each other’s mettle.
MISCELLANY
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Recon the terrain. Know where you will be fighting, and pick a good spot for your HQ.
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Wear thick clothing. BBs sting.
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Bring water and food. Once play begins, you may not leave.
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Use judgment when firing at close range. If you unload on someone point-blank and they beat the hell out of you, don’t be surprised.
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Elect leaders. No unorganized military unit ever accomplished much.
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A “Combat Coordinator” may be designated to act as judge in disputes. Follow their rulings without bitching.
Closing Note:
This mock battle will give us all some good, violent fun. But remember: we are not here to kill each other, and we are not interested in pain—only victory. Do your best, and be fair.
Mirror Commentary:
Historians will recognize in this text the proto-gamer’s manual, predating paintball, Call of Duty, and the gamification of war. Euphrasia’s militia never saw combat beyond welts and bruises (and the BB still lodged in Americo’s scalp, but they codified their cause in Xerox ink like good red blooded American boys.
Thirty-eight years later, the rules remain intact, as absurd and earnest as the Cold War suburbia that birthed them: a nation of boys rehearsing for Armageddon in a bulldozed field, certain that the world was about to end, but determined to settle it first with honor, BBs, and goggles.
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